The Media Tourist

“Death of a Unicorn” is a galloping, gonzo horror comedy that skewers the rich

Death of a Unicorn
Starring Paul Rudd, Jenna Ortega & Richard E. Grant
Directed by Alex Scharfman
Rated R

In theaters Friday, March 28

If you think, by the title, that this must be some pretentious, snooty foreign drama about the listlessness of a marriage, the unraveling of an idyllic dream, or the melancholic end of childhood—well, I can clear that up for you. It’s not.

In this galloping, gonzo horror comedy, a group of characters coalesce around the body of a young unicorn that’s been hit by a car on a mountainous road through the Rockies. Instead of trying to “help” the wounded creature, they instead finish it off with a gun and a tire iron—and then make plans to make a killing on the mind-blowing, magical potency of its blood and its glowing, serrated horn.

And they soon find out there’s also a mama and papa unicorn out there in the mountains, and boy, are they pissed.

The ensemble cast is full of familiar faces, and everyone is aboard for the thrill-ride terrors spiked with satirical skewerings of fat-cat rich folks who want to hubristically capitalize on something wild, wooly and wonderful that they don’t understand. Everyone gets their share of quick-witted quippery, snide remarks and snippy, character-revealing jibes. Paul Rudd plays a widowed lawyer who brings his daughter (Jenna Ortega) along to help him curry favor with the family of a dying pharmaceutical-company oligarch (Richard E. Grant). Téa Leoni is a spoiled wife, Will Poulter is a spoiled son, and Barry’s Anthony Carrigan is a put-upon butler. Steve Park and Suniti Mani are scientists called in for consultation about the little unicorn’s restorative powers, which can apparently clear up acne, rebuild failing vision, cure cancer—and maybe even thwart death.  

“We’re gonna live forever!” someone crows enthusiastically. Well, not so fast.

When the parents of the junior unicorn—the junicorn, I guess—come looking for revenge, they begin skewering, impaling, eviscerating and stomping everything, and everyone, in sight. Blood flows, guts spill and heads get crushed. The “adult” unicorns are majestically monstrous fanged creatures with talons on their massive hooves, like the raptors in Jurassic Park crossed with bulked-up plow horses. And the movie certainly sets up its unctuous characters so we’ll root for the unicorns, eager to see who’ll get taken out next, with only a handful of exceptions, and how.

There’s a bit of mushy (human) family drama in the middle of all the gleefully gory goings-on, but it’s mostly a distraction. The special effects—the unicorns—don’t look very special, especially in the wake of some four decades of hi-tech FX advancements.  

Ortega, who garnered multiple awards nominations for the Netflix Addams Family spinoff series Wednesday, plays Ridley, who feels a spiritual “connection” to the animals. It’s through her we learn of the legendary beasts’ deep-rooted place in folklore, mythology and religion—and how a “pure-hearted maiden” may be the only thing capable of taming them. And Rudd, with more than 130 acting credits in a spectrum of movies and TV shows, gets to do something he’s never done before: run for his life ahead of a unicorn as terrifying as a dinosaur. We didn’t see that in Anchorman.

And—in this age of declining biodiversity, intense droughts, polluted water, severe wildfires, rising sea levels and catastrophic storms, all brought on or exacerbated by human activity—Death of a Unicorn reminds us, yet again, that we abuse Mother Nature at our peril. Cause payback can be a real bitch, even if you don’t end up getting ripped apart by a couple of angry unicorns.

—Neil Pond

In “Novocaine,” Jack Quaid dives into danger as a man with no feelings…sort of

Novocaine
Starring Jack Quaid & Amber Midthunder
Directed by Dan Berk & Robert Olsen
Rated R

In theaters Friday, March 14

When his office crush gets abducted, a young bank assistant manager sets out to rescue her. That sounds like it could be the setup for any number of flicks, but this gonzo action comedy hinges on the “ordinary” hero’s rare genetic disorder, which prevents him from feeling pain.

We learn that Nathan Caine (Jack Quaid, from TV’s The Boys) grew up with the nickname of Novocaine, given to him by bullying schoolmates who delighted in making him their recess punching bag; they enjoyed seeing him take a lickin’ and keep on tickin’. (P.S., Nathan’s condition is a real-world thing, CIP, or congenital insensitivity to pain, which affects a spectrum of bodily sensitivities.)  On a tentative first date at a diner, he tells Sherry (Amber Midthunder) that he dares not ingest solid food (he might chew up his tongue and not know it), and his wristwatch timer is reminding him to take a bathroom break (because he doesn’t get a natural “signal” that his bladder needs emptying).

But when the bank gets robbed and Sherry gets taken as a hostage, Nathan isn’t thinking about pee breaks as he plunges into a gauntlet of pain-free heroics, encountering sneering bad guys, booby-trapped lairs, flying bullets and body-slamming brawls. I must give the movie credit for finding, ahem, creative ways to illustrate just how impervious Nathan is to pain. He gets walloped in a wide variety of ways, like the coyote in a real-life Road Runner cartoon. He breaks his thumb to slip out of handcuffs and turns a broken bone—his own protruding tibia—into a lethal weapon. He has his fingernails pulled out with pliers, gets plugged with an arrow from a crossbow, almost crushed under a garage car lift, impaled with a medieval mace and calmly digs out a bullet from his arm.  

But here’s the thing. Nathan is no John Wick, no James Bond or Deadpool. He can be grievously injured, or even killed—he just doesn’t “feel” it, which puts him in even more peril. People with CIP won’t know spilled coffee can scald their hand, because they don’t get the “Ouch! That hurts!” message. That sets up the subplot, about how Nathan might not register physical discomfort, but he’s not immune from emotional distress. (The movie opens with REM’s “Everybody Hurts.”) Quaid, the son of actors Dennis Quaid and Meg Ryan, has an amiable everyman quality that squares with Nathan as an average guy, certainly no superhero, who removes the “dis” from his “disability” and dives right into danger.

And people do get killed. The movie’s rampaging dark humor doesn’t really jibe with all the blood and body goop, or when people expire via bullets or beatings.

Amber Midthunder, who has appeared in FX’s Legion and starred in The CW’s sci-fi drama Roswell, New Mexico, brings a tantalizing dash of ambiguity and vulnerability to her role as the “love interest,” noting that we’re all scarred by something, hiding a part of ourselves until someone lets us know it’s OK to show it. Matt Walsh, from TV’s Veep, gets in a few droll quips as a sports-obsessed cop.

But mainly, Novocaine wants to show Nathan enduring an avalanche of mayhem and make audiences squeal with perverse glee seeing him rebound from every body-abusing, bone-breaking, skin-scaring whack, crunch, burn, blast and kaboom. You may think it’s all giddy popcorn fun, but for me, I didn’t particularly enjoy being turned into a movie surrogate for those schoolyard bullies, who kicked Nathan’s ass repeatedly, every day, because they knew, hey, he can’t feel it.

At least, in The Road Runner, when the coyote gets flattened with an anvil to the head or smushed by a bolder, well, it’s only a cartoon—with no squishy viscera or protruding bones.

—Neil Pond